I’m feeling down because I’m feeling down.

Posted: October 4, 2015 in Black Dog

I have had a few bad days lately, where I have been feeling low. Part of the problem is I see the clues, and feel worse. Let me explain.

When I cook, I wash up what I can whilst the food is on the heat, and then wash up the rest after eating. This is my routine. A break in the routine usually signals trouble, so when I come home to find two days worth of unwashed dishes, I knew there was an issue. I had to wash up before I could cook. And afterwards, I don’t feel like washing up because I’m feeling down because I’m feeling down.

Those of you who have never suffered from depression won’t understand that statement – “feeling down because I’m feeling down“. But that’s is exactly what happens: something brings you low, and when you realise you are low, you feel worse.

It is a vicious cycle, and it has to be broken.

I’ve spoken before (in my first post) about not telling a depressed person that it’s all in their head, that there are people worse off, and they should just stop thinking such things, because they just make a sufferer feel worse. I wish I could stop dwelling on the negative thoughts; I wish I could be positive all the time; I wish I could move on from the negative in my past.

But this is all easier said than done.

I’ve been reading a book called “Sane New World,” written by Ruby Wax. One of the things she says early on in the book is the best think you can do is find a “fucked buddy” – someone else who is also suffering from depression, because only someone who has been through it can truly understand what’s going on in your head.

It took a call with a “fucked buddy” yesterday morning to help break the cycle this time. She helped me to laugh at how ridiculous my dog was being.

I know I am dipping this morning as I write this; I wrote a list of to-do’s, and I’m procrastinating by spending time writing this post instead. But as soon as I post this, I will wash up from breakfast, and then get on with some overdue, and incredibly dull paperwork.


Unless I get enthralled in a television programme. And then the day will be gone before I do anything.


Ruby Wax’s funny and informative TED Talks lecture about mental illness can be found here.

  1. Lauren says:

    you’re very eloquent in your low point and I appreciate that because I’ve danced on the edge of darkness most of my life. I go through this time and again with my mom; the classic question, “What happened?” No matter how many times I try to explain she doesn’t get it. Nothing has to happen for me to be down. I just am. And as you said, when you’re self-aware enough to realize it, it’s so much worse. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

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